The end of the semester comes with a boat load of stress for me. There are so many final papers, projects, and exams. The workload takes over all of my free time. I eat, sleep, and breathe school in those final weeks.
Usually, when I am very stressed, I tend to act like nothing is wrong. My whole body hurts, but I just try to focus on school. It isn’t until after the semester is over when it all comes out. Panic attacks and mental breakdowns are pretty much a guarantee.
Matthew and I were watching a movie. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I took a shower to help me calm down, but that only lead to more crying. I had no idea why I was crying. It all just came out. I was not upset about anything. I actually had a very good day.
I was crying because of all of the stress I was keeping trapped inside me. I held it in until I burst.
Matthew just held me until I stopped crying. I felt immensely better afterwards, like I just needed to release the stress I was holding in for so long.
After that breakdown, I had a realization: I am always stressed. I get stressed over finances, school, socializing…the list goes on.
I then discovered why I was so stressed. I wasn’t trusting God. I wasn’t trusting that He had everything under control. That He has a reason for everything. That He will always be with me in times of trouble.
When Matthew and I were dating, we would pray together every Sunday. We would pray for each other almost every night. We did several couple’s devotionals together.
Once we got married, that all kind of went away. I focused more on school and my marriage. Matthew focused on work and our marriage. We were worried about not being good enough for one another. We focused too much on each other and not enough on God. We started our marriage with praying every night together before we went to sleep. That slowly drifted away.
We struggle with focusing too much on each other and putting the other before God.
After my most recent breakdown, I realized how distant we both were from the Lord. That if we had God as the center of our lives, we wouldn’t be stressed over these worldly things.
We are working on finding another devotional to do together, as well as doing our own separately. That way we can grow closer to God together and apart. We are also praying together every night again.
I feel so much better already, now that I am giving more of myself to the Lord.